Dank Bulls fitness
by Jeremy Criddle
Hey there! Your friendly neighborhood Dank Bulls member is here. I’m sharing a tale that’ll make your quads burn just reading called, training for Elk Hunting: A Beginner’s Guide. We are one of Colorado Springs’ most enthusiastic hunting groups. We may not be experienced, but we’ve learned some interesting lessons about mountain fitness. And by “interesting,” I mean “oh dear lord, why is breathing so hard up here?”
The Couch to Mountain Peak Pipeline
Let me paint you a picture. There I was, feeling pretty good about myself. I’d been doing my daily walks around the neighborhood. You know, the kind where you stop for coffee halfway through and count it as cardio? I thought I was ready for elk hunting in the mountains. Narrator voice: “He was not ready.”
Our group at Dank Bulls has collectively learned an important lesson. None of us have more than three years of hunting experience. There’s a slight difference between neighborhood walks and mountain hunting. And by slight, I mean about the same difference between a kiddie pool and the Pacific Ocean.
The Day My Fitness Tracker Had an Existential Crisis
Picture this: Day one of scouting season. My fancy fitness tracker was all excited, buzzing away with its usual “You can do it!” messages. By hour three of what seemed like climbing a vertical wall, I was receiving concerned messages like “Are you okay?” It was probably just a modest incline. The tracker also asked, “Unknown activity detected: Dying?”
The best part? We hadn’t even started the real hiking yet. That was just the walk in from the truck.
The Reality Check List
Let me share some things we’ve learned about mountain fitness that you won’t find in those glossy hunting magazines:
- “I’m in pretty good shape” has a completely different meaning at 10,000 feet
- Walking on a treadmill is nothing like walking on a mountain (the mountain fights back)
- Your backpack gains weight mysteriously throughout the day (we’re pretty sure they breed rocks)
- Elk apparently love to hang out in places that require Olympic-level athleticism to reach
The Great Training Misconceptions
Before our first season, we all had different ideas about getting in shape for hunting. One of our members thought he was mountain-ready. He believed this because he could do 30 minutes on the stair climber at the gym.
You know what’s different about mountain hiking versus the stair climber? Everything. The mountain doesn’t have an emergency stop button, for one thing. Also, the stair climber doesn’t come with loose rocks. These rocks stay in place under your feet. You can easily keep looking cool in front of the other hunters.
The Dank Bulls Fitness Journey
We’ve developed what we like to call the “Oh Crap, We Need to Get in Shape” program. It’s a comprehensive fitness routine. We definitely should have started it six months ago. Instead, we’re panic-training two weeks before season.
Our training program has evolved through several stages:
Stage 1: Denial “How hard can it be? Elk aren’t that far up, right?”
Stage 2: Reality “Why didn’t anybody tell us elk live on top of mountains?!”
Stage 3: Panic “Quick! Do all the squats!”
Stage 4: Acceptance “Maybe we should actually train year-round…”
The Backpack Betrayal
Here’s something they don’t tell you in hunting school (is there a hunting school? There should be): Your backpack is a sadistic personal trainer. Sure, it starts out reasonable – just the essentials, you say. But then you start adding things:
“I might need this fourth pair of socks…” “What if I want a different snack option?” “Better bring the backup to the backup GPS…”
Next thing you know, you’re carrying what feels like a small car up the mountain. Your legs are staging a revolt against your life choices.
Altitude: The Invisible Enemy
Let’s talk about altitude for a minute. As Colorado Springs hunters, you’d think we’d be used to it. But there’s a big difference between living at 6,000 feet and hunting at 10,000+ feet. The air up there is playing hard to get, and your lungs are not amused.
We’ve learned that “taking a quick breather” actually means “lying face-down on the ground.” You question all your life decisions while the elk laugh at you from somewhere above.
The Great Gear Weight Debate
One of our ongoing discussions at Dank Bulls is about gear weight versus necessity. It usually goes something like this:
“Do I really need this?” “Probably not.” “But what if…?” “Still no.” “But…” Puts it in pack anyway Regrets decision two miles later
Our Current Training Philosophy
After much trial and error (mostly error), we’ve developed a more realistic approach to mountain fitness:
- Start training way earlier than you think you need to
- Hills are your friends (even though they don’t feel friendly)
- Wear your hunting boots during training (blisters before season > blisters during season)
- Load your pack during training hikes (your future self will thank you)
- Cardio isn’t optional (the mountain will test this theory)
The Silver Lining
You know what’s great about being terrible at mountain fitness? You can only improve! Every time we go out, we get a little better. Sure, we might still sound like a steam locomotive going up hills. However, we can now form complete sentences between breaths!
Join Our Wheezing Warriors
Are you in the Colorado Springs area? Do you want to join a group of hunters who understand the struggle of mountain fitness? We might be your people. At Dank Bulls, we believe in learning together, suffering together, and occasionally celebrating together (once we catch our breath).
Email us at [email protected] if you want to join a group. It’s okay to be the last one up the mountain, as long as you keep moving forward.
A Final Note of Encouragement
Remember, every hunter you see gracefully gliding up the mountain started somewhere. They probably went through the same struggles we’re experiencing now – they just didn’t document their suffering in blog form.
The mountains aren’t going anywhere (thank goodness, because we need time to train), and neither are we. We will keep working on our fitness. We will share our experiences. We hope to help other new hunters realize they’re not alone in this journey.
Written by a proud member of Dank Bulls. We’re turning mountain struggles into success stories. We do this one wheezing step at a time. Remember, we’re not experts – we’re just sharing our journey so others can learn from our mistakes… and maybe pack less stuff!
PS: If you see someone lying face-down on the trail, they might be mumbling about elk and oxygen debt. That’s probably one of us. Feel free to say hi… after we catch our breath.
